I Just Wanted You to Know

I Just Wanted You to Know

I just wanted you to know that everything I do, every thought, breath, tear, laugh is for my family. My family is my world and there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for everyone. It’s a double edged sword, a curse and a blessing to feel this way. When I get up in the morning and decide to try and make it out of bed when my body is aching and begging me not to and my mind is racing about the millions of things that might, could, possibly, remotely happen if I do get up, it’s for my family.

You see I have never been a selfish kind of person; I get so much joy out of making other people happy that I don’t need much joy passed on my way. I know that is hard to understand when I battle depression every minute of my life. But that’s a whole other rant about the difference between being sad and being depressed. We will get back to that another time. My heart swells with love and happiness to see the ones I love happy and content. I try my best to do everything I can to accommodate the ones I love and to do things that will make their lives easier and less stressful even though all of the while I am drowning in stress and anxiety.

I am not writing this for acclamations, I am writing these because I generally feel no one understands me, no one gets me. People make assumptions about me; throw my diagnoses …. in my face, the fact that I have to take medications for my different ailments ….  in my face. Am I overly sensitive? Hell yeah I am. Am I overly emotional? You bet ya. But that’s a part of me, of who I’ve become because of everything life has thrown at me these past 41 years. It hasn’t been a cake walk I tell ya. But there were plenty of good times along the way though.

Depression; basically you don’t want to do anything anymore. Things you used to love now you have no interest in. End  up not wanting to leave your house, take a shower, do your hair, put make up on, hell even just getting dressed is a chore. Eating is no longer a necessity, food turns your stomach or you can’t get enough. Guess everyone’s different. It’s a deep, dark place that you can’t seem to climb out of no matter how hard you try or how much effort you give it. And try having anxiety on top of all of that. It’s a vicious cycle!

I am not making excuses for anything; I am not trying to get out of anything……. I just wanted you to know……this is me. I would give anything to be able to “snap out of it” and get on with my life and be happy. Do you honestly think I WANT to feel this way and act this way and go through precious life this way? Hell no! I want help and I am busting my ass trying to get help and everything is failing me.

But tomorrow, I will get up, take care of my son, our home, try and put a smile on my face and quiet the thoughts in my head all for my family. And I do this every morning and will until the day I die. 

PTTD Surgery

Well, I am about 3 weeks post-op of my surgery. It affects me more emotionally than physically at this point. Someone with depression, BPD, etc. Already feels helpless, worthless etc. And being down and out with no weight bearing on your foot, relying on others to help you get dressed, go to the bathroom, shower, etc. Tends to heighten these emotions as I've found. I hate sitting and watching my teenagers and my husband doing what I consider " my jobs". Then, I try and do more than I should and over exert myself and fall and put weight on my foot and ....DAMN does that hurt!!! As of today I've taken 5 falls and put weight on my surgical foot. I'll have xrays this week prior to my appointment with my surgeon on Friday. For the most part everything has went well. Pain isn't too bad, and thanks to my angel of a daughter for renting me a knee-walker, getting around is soooooo much easier than with crutches!! I'm a disaster on crutches!! Its not even funny at this point!! :/
I'm working hard on positive thinking, you are what you believe. Its true too. I've got to let go of things that are beyond my control, things that are in the past and can't be changed. I've got to focus on the here and the now and make it the best that I can!!
I can do this!!!

Back in the Saddle

I won't write anything lengthy right now. Just wanted to let everyone know I'm getting back into keeping my blog updated. I need an outlet and here it is :)

Holidays....Schmolidays.....Bahahumbug!!

I hate this time of year...yea yea I know....I have kids I shouldn't say that. When you suffer from severe depression, borderline personality disorder and post traumatic stress disorder it sucks....especially this time of year. 
I just started back on Abilify, my happy pills as Kaylee calls them. So hopefully I will be out of this funk I'm in before Christmas. I'm trying really hard. I really truly am. And it's so hard to talk about, so I tend to just shut down and then everyone thinks I'm being a bitch or have an attitude. But I'm trying to deal with it all that's it.
Christmas was a big deal when my Papa was alive...after he passed it just sucked!! But we went through the motions and my Aunt Robbie kept it festive. Now she's gone too......Being 1000 miles away from my mom and everyone else doesn't help matters. And yesterday was Papa's birthday....just pile it on......
The nightmares are back again too.....not sure where that is coming from except there has been a lot of news on lately about child abuse, molestation cases etc. I try and watch things like that because it's suppose to desensitize me to it all. But it's hard....it brings back so much!! And then it makes me paranoid with my kids. Ughhh...does it ever end?!?!
One peaceful day.....just one, to feel normal, to have normal thoughts and emotions. Is that too much to ask for?!?!

~~~~Thankful~~~~

I've been posting on FB everyday things that I am thankful for. I advise everyone to do this atleast once. It has truly helped me not to focus on all of the drama. bs and stress going on in my life right now. Sometimes I sit on this blog and vent, listing everthing that is pissing me off, bothering me etc. Yes, that helps somewhat to get it off of my chest. But sitting down once a day and writing something that I am thankful for for all of my FB friends to see has helped tremendously more. 
Sometimes I don't know what to do, I don't know how I am ever going to make it through all of this crap. But when I think about my blessings I know that no matter what it is I can overcome it!!!

Enough

Why am I never enough? Sometimes I think it's just me being paranoid, but looking back on everything I don't think I am. I think I have substantial proof that I've never just been enough or good enough for anyone. What is wrong with me>? What do I do wrong? 

WHY?!?!?!?!?

I try and try and try and I still get hurt. I treat everyone how I want to be treated but I don't take anyone's crap anymore. 
Why does the same thing keep happening over and over to me?
What is wrong with me?
I have been "me" for the past 4 years and then I got sick. I can't help how the illness changes me. I try, I really do to be the "me" I was before I got sick but it just doesn't work when your brain is so foggy and everything all the time. 
I'm sick of it all....just tired....tired of crying being hurt of no one hearing me, of being alone through it all.